Slightly Psychotic Stump Speech

I realize that when you want to be nominated to run for a public office that you sort of have to make yourself stand out in certain ways. Try and make it a way that's not crazy. Take this Phil Davison fellow for a moment, won't you? He wanted to be nominated to be the Republican candidate for the Stark County Treasurer in Stark County (surprise), Ohio. Below is his stump speech that he gave. And, um...well...it's hard to know where to go from here. Actually, I might not have to go anywhere. He might just take it home for us by himself. Let's see.

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Hmm. Yeah. Are we sure that this was Stark County and not Stark Raving Mad County? Seriously, there's not much more I can do with that. He pretty much did my work for me. I do believe that he confused "passion" with "psychosis" and "needing medication". I like it when he says "We're tired of business as usual!" He's far from usual, I'll give him that! Who was his adviser? Mel Gibson? Good Lord, sir. How does he keep that up for a full six minutes without having a stroke? He's pacing around like a lion in a cage with this crazed look in his glazed over eyes. Wow, wow, wow.

You know who he sounds just like? Chris Farley in the SNL skit where he is a motivational speaker and loudly states, "First off...I am 34-years old....I am divorced....And I live in a van...down by the river!" If you're unfamiliar, good luck at finding the video anywhere online other than at NBC because they are rather protective about having any of their stuff out there where they don't have control over it. If you're just interested in just the audio of the late, great Chris Farley doing his motivational speaker gig (you know, for comparative purposes), it can be found here. So, tell your friends, tell your neighbors and tell Randy Gonzalez.

By the way, I'm sure you will be shocked, simply shocked, to learn that he did not receive the nomination that he was looking for. Go figure.

I Think I Understand, Mel

Oh, Mel. Mel, Mel, Mel. What have you done now? What hasn't he done? Well, what hasn't he said is probably a better question. Mel Gibson is kind of on the outs with his Russian hottie that he left his wife of almost 30 years for. Yeah, "on the outs" is kind of an understatement. He has completely lost his mind. And look, I'm going to get into this in more detail in a couple of days, but I'm going to say this right now. I've listened to the tapes that his Russian hottie made of him screaming at her on the phone. Yes, he sounds like a crazed lunatic. Yes, in one of them, he sounds like he's on a Stairmaster because he's breathing so hard. Yes, I found it hilarious that he wants someone to make his bed. All of those statements are true. But I'm just going to say this right now: I think I understand. I'm not saying he's right. I'm certainly not saying that it is justified. I'm absolutely not saying that he had the right to say anything that he said to her in the manner that he said it. But if she's the gold digger that I think that she is (and that Mel, somehow, was oblivious to), I understand why he's pissed.

The audio of his rants are below. They're courtesy of the nosy folks over there at Radar Online. Someone has to do this, I guess.

Mel Screaming Part One
Mel Screaming Part Deux
Mel Screaming Part Three
Mel Screaming Part Four
Mel Screaming Part Five