Fashion Do's And Don't At The Golden Globes

I love me an awards show. And the Golden Globes is no exception. And since the Golden Globes was last night, let's get started on the fashion critique, shall we? (As I tend to do with these sorts of posts, I readily admit that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. That being said, I shall now commence pointing out the good, the bad and the wtf of last night.)

Let's start off with the always lovely Sandra Bullock. You know what Sandra Bullock does best? Be Sandra Bullock, that is correct. Why she felt the need to channel Cher with her look is beyond me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a bad word about Sandra Bullock. I'm just saying that I like her better when she looks like Sandra Bullock.

Here we have a one Michelle Williams (was she ever anything besides Heath Ledger's girlfriend?) wearing what appears to be her shower curtain. It's very odd. I don't know, maybe she was running late. That pixie hairdo isn't helping much. (When did that come into fashion? Does anyone think that's a good idea? I mean, for women? It's fine on men. It doesn't do much for the allure of a woman, however.)

Speaking of who might have been running late, what's the deal with Helena Bonham Carter's get up? She has some sort of Prince circa-Purple Rain dealio going on with her hair. She also seems to be wearing two different dresses. It's almost as if she couldn't decide. She's definitely wearing two different colored shoes, neither of which color go with whatever that outfit is. Even the guy standing behind her looks confused. Behold!

While Angelina Jolie is just so damned perfect that it really rubs me the wrong way, there is absolutely no denying that she looked absolutely stunning in the sparkly green number that she showed up in.

Newly knocked up Natalie Portman decided to go with an outfit that would absolutely draw attention. It's not necessarily for the right reasons, but while you're wondering what in the world that rose is doing right there (it is a rose, isn't it?) it does help you forget for a few moments that she is preggers. Kind of makes you wonder if she bumped her head real hard to actually wear that out in public, but totally makes you forget she's got a bun in the oven.

Scarlett Johansson has this sort of windblown/Bride of Frankenstein thing going on with her hair. It's very distracting. It only mildly distracts one from that weird tattoo that she is sporting on her inner arm there. What is that? Let's see....Googling...Googling...it's a...a sunrise? Is she sure?

I don't think that's a sunrise. I'm going to need a close up.

Yeah, no. No, that's not a sunrise. (It's hideous is what it is. Wow. That's really bad.) Moving on...Remember Katey Sagal? Peg Bundy from Married With Children? Oh, go ahead and admit it! We all watched it! It's OK to admit it now. Here's a refresher:

Yeah, that was never a good look. But Ms. Sagal won a Golden Globe last night for best actress in a drama in something called Sons of Anarchy which is apparently on FX. And holy crap, she didn't look anything like Peg Bundy. Behold!

Yowza. Nice job! And congratulations for winning the Golden Globe and for wearing something respectable!

Meat Lady Gaga

Usually after some awards show, I spend an entire blog post going through what various celebritards wore on the barely eventful evening. And especially after an awards show like MTV's Video Music Awards, I usually have plenty of material. But this time, strangely, and sadly, not so much. People were actually dressed fairly nicely and fairly normally. What's up with that?! Fortunately, however, there was one outfit that gives me plenty of material to cover the entire post in and of it's entirety. I present to you Lady Gaga and her meat dress. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That, as I implied so cleverly above, is a meat dress. It's a dress. And it is made out of meat. Need I say more? I think I do need to say more. But before I do, let's try and get to the bottom of this, shall we? Why would anyone, even someone as eclectic as Lady Gaga, wear a dress made out of meat? Even after she has answered this question, it's still a bit unclear.

According to the fine folks over there at the NY Daily News, Lady Gaga said "...she wasn't making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military...". Wait. What now? Gay rights? In the military? That has to do with wearing a meat suit? How...how is that?

She didn't go on to make it much more clear, adding, "If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones...And I am not a piece of meat." Wow. I'm going to have to take that apart one crazy item at a time. I'd like to think that the meat on my bones does have rights. After all, I have rights. So, therefore, doesn't that mean that my meat, which comprises me, has the same rights? Even if it doesn't mean that, I don't see how wearing the flesh of a dead cow is going to help that. I might help get me a prescription for some Xanax, but I'm not so sure about more rights.

As for her not being a piece of meat, I don't ever like to think of people as "pieces of meat". But does she really expect people to not think of her in that manner when she tends to perform dressed like this:

And this:

Or even like this:

All of those outfits are kind of pieces of meat-ish. Is that how it should be? I don't know if it can be any different if you're looking like that. I'm not saying that it's good or bad (I am saying that it's a little freaking weird, though), I'm just saying what does she expect?


The NY Daily News asked a butcher for his opinion on this freak show and he made the assessment that, all in all, she probably had about a hundred dollars of meat there in which to make her dress, her purse and her hat. (Yes, there was a purse and a hat. No word on what was in the purse. A friend of mine guessed that there were bacon bits and an egg timer, for whatever that is worth.) The butcher said, "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks...The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head." There's a sentence I never thought I'd type. On top of her head? Yes. On top of her head. Behold!

Good Lord...OK, look, this is what she does. She's sooooo outrageous. Or something like that. And I don't care what she does. It is entertaining and at least she has the musical pipes to back up stuff like this. But I wills say that I'm a little disappointed at her lack of creativity with the meat get-up. Come on...only one kind of meat? What sort of meat outfit is that?! Jazz it up a little bit! Have a necklace made out of sausage links! Make shoes out of pigs feet! Wear a bra made out of chicken breasts! What about a hot dog belt? She's really limiting herself to only the cow. I expect more out of my freakish pop-stars these days. I really do.

They Wore What To The Emmys 2010?

It's time for the Emmy awards again. That means it's time for a brief look at some of the fashions that were worn last night. And as always, I will issue my disclaimer that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. Never the less, I intend to relay what it was that I saw there last night (via the Internets).

Here we have who appears to be Jack Nicholson as The Joker. Behold!

What's that? It's not The Joker? It's really someone I've never heard of named Maria Menounos? Huh. My apologies, both to Mr. Nicholson and Ms. Menounos. Well, moving on....let's see. Oh! OK, so I haven't watched Entertainment Tonight in quite some time (if ever), but I don't remember Mary Hart looking anything like this:

Wow. It appears that she could barely bring herself to tone down her big hair from the 80s. Nice try, though. And I kind of feel like I had seen that dress on someone else at the Emmys. Who was it? Oh, I know! January Jones. Behold!

Yeah, see, she just kind of ripped the front of it off there. Other than that, it looks remarkably similar. I'm just glad that it's January Jones with the ripped off front dress and not Mary Hart. That's all I have to say about it. But it's not quite all I have to say about Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon. Behold!

Mr. Bacon looks the same as he always does. How does he do that? Ms. Sedgwick looks generally lovely in that eggplant colored dress. She appears to be carrying a clutch purse that is made out of a giant kidney bean. Seriously, what on earth can you even fit in something like that? Not much? Not even the kidney beans after which it was modeled, I'd imagine. Wait! Maybe she has the rest of Heidi Klum's dress in there!

From the looks of it, Heidi Klum's entire dress could have fit in that kidney bean purse of Kyra's. There is not much there, is there? I'm not saying that she should dress like Betty White or anything, but come on! Oh, speaking of Betty White, here she is looking radiant and wearing what is seemingly an obligatory lipstick shade for elderly women.

I don't know what it is with the over-70 set of ladies, but they love them a nice bright red lipstick, that's for sure. They wear it everywhere and with everything. I would imagine that they would even wear it to the wedding of the couple below. Oh. Never mind. That's not a wedding couple. That's Ty Burrell and his wife Holly. Yeah, he looks like he's getting married and she looks like the car that they would drive away in together. Odd. Maybe it's their first time at the Emmys. Or out in public. Something.

Both Kim Kardashian...

...and Anna Paquin (seen below) decided to go with either what appears to be some sort of an Egyptian themed gown or what appears to be some sort of gladiator style gown. I really can't tell which it's supposed to be. But I'm sure that it's one of those. I can't imagine that they were just looking that way without basing the look upon something.


And finally, let's wrap this up with the absolutely stunning Lauren Graham who is wearing...um, well, she's wearing....see, it's kind of...well...oh, forget it. I don't know what in the hell this is. Behold!

Let's see if I can decipher this. No. No, I can't. It appears as if she is wearing a dress with what could be a diaper draped over her upper torso and right shoulder. Maybe a small bed sheet. I don't know. I don't know what would possess anyone to wear that on purpose. Ooh! Maybe she lost a bet! Hard to say. But I do know that she is super talented and super hot and I'm sure that she'll be around again for the Emmys next year. Let's hope she's over this look by then.