This Crosses A Line

I'm a big sports fan. Of the four major sports, I'm an avid fan of everything but hockey. And I'm learning to like hockey, so I'm sure that won't be long down the road. But in the meantime, it's just football, basketball and baseball. They're all great. The only thing that spoils sports for me are the fans that have to be giant douchebags all the time. Let's take some of the Dodger fans who felt the need to beat up on a San Francisco Giants fan after the opening day game in Los Angeles on Thursday.

According to The Huffington Post, "A savage beating by two men outside Dodgers Stadium has left a San Francisco Giants fan in a medically-induced coma". Oh, sure. That sounds reasonable. Beat a man to within an inch of his life because...well...there doesn't seem to be any reason. The Dodgers won and the cowards who did the beating were wearing Dodgers garb, so they weren't pummeling innocent bystanders out of frustration over their loss. Not that it would have made it more justified or anything like that. I was just drawing attention to how pointless it all was.

I did find some of the statements made by the Dodgers and by the Dodgers coach to be a bit annoying. For example, the team released a statement that said "It is extremely unfortunate that this incident took place on what was otherwise a great day at Dodger Stadium for tens of thousands of fans...We're committed to having the most fan and family friendly environment in baseball and will continue to make that a top priority." Yeah, other than the beating that left a 42-year old married father of two in the hospital with brain injuries, it was a great day. See, if you're asking me, the beating really negates the great day. It really negates the great day if you're the one who had the crap beat out of them.

And as far as their "fan and family friendly environment" that they "will continue" to make a top priority? Yeah, when do you think they might get started on that? I'm just asking because in 2009 "...a man stabbed his friend in the stadium parking lot after the home opener." Can you really call them friends if one of them was stabbing the other? I have a lot of friends and we don't usually stab each other. In fact, I'm fairly comfortable saying that I would not want to be friends with anyone who I thought might get a little stabby with me from time to time. Or ever, for that matter. But maybe they're working on the safety for the even numbered years first. I really don't know their plan.

But I do know an asinine statement when I read it. I'm referring to statements such as the one made by coach Don Mattingly who said, "I was disappointed...You don't want to see that. Everyone likes rivalries, but to me, that's crossing the line." Oh, really? To you that was crossing the line? You think that other people have some other kind of a line that involves beating innocent people within an inch of their life? To you? What the what was that supposed to mean, anyway? I'm trying to overlook his merely being "disappointed". I'd prefer a little more outrage for things like this.

Here's to hoping that they catch the scumbags that did this. Here's also to hoping that people stop making idiotic statements when incidents like this one occur. And finally and most importantly, here's to hoping that Bryan Stow, the guy who was injured, will recover from his injures. Get well soon, Bryan.

Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

I know, I know. You're expecting a fashion filled extravaganza which reflects last night's Academy Awards ceremony, aren't you? (Don't get me wrong. I see no reason to not include pictures of the astonishingly lovely Sandra Bullock in this post. Different doesn't have to mean crazy or short-sighted!) Well, you would have gotten it if it hadn't been for my cousin who suggested that I pay attention to a little Twitter fad that took off during the Super Bowl. It seems as if someone had started a hashtag on Twitter called JaneAustenAtTheSuperBowl. And it was just what it sounds like. It was Jane Austen musings as if she were at the Super Bowl. (By the way, just so I'm not too hip for the room, a hashtag is this symbol: #. It designates a specific topic on Twitter. And also, just so I'm clear, Twitter is pretty useless most of the time. My participating in this nonsense should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that I think Twitter is cool. I don't.)

Thus, with that sort of seed planted in my often empty noggin, I thought that the Oscars would need a voice. Maybe not a Jane Austen sort of voice, as a friend of mine was completely appalled that anyone would disgrace the works of Jane Austen (she's really into bonnet movies and bonnet books), but a voice none the less. Then it hit me. Or I fell down because I was drunk. Whichever it was, I had a revelation. What the Oscars needed was more Charlie Sheen. Thus, I created the hashtag #CharlieSheenAtTheOscars and twat periodically throughout the telecast which I occasionally watched. What? Twat is the past tense of tweet, right? I will tweet. I am tweeting. I have twat. Sounds right to me.

And don't think that I ever expected anyone to notice this little method of amusing myself. I didn't. And I think I succeeded by setting my expectations as low as I usually do for things like this. So, since I know you missed it, allow me to take you through the Academy Awards show as seen through the tweets of a very real, yet very fictional Charlie Sheen. Behold!

• At Kodak Theater. Walk w/me side by side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Roll out that red carpet if you want, but I'm rolling out magic bro and I must save it for my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one has acknowledged me yet. I should have been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one has even said hello. I feel like an unwelcome relative given cold coffee every night at nine o’clock.#Charliesheenattheoscars


• Showtime! Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch—it’s about to get really gnarly. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Can't believe they didn't ask me to host. These two suck. I've got poetry in my fingertips.
  #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Screw hosting because that’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• My tux is uncomfortable. It doesn't fit because my chest and my biceps are too big. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I have effortlessly and magically converted your tin can into pure gold statuettes. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• First award of the night handed out. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars


• The first statuette is free. The next one goes in your mouth. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• No one at my table has won anything. I'm dealing with fools and trolls here. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• To all the losers: I have real fame, you have nothing. You have zero. I probably have syphilis. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I don't care who wins. I will forget about them as the last image of them exits this beautiful theater. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• There's Natalie Portman. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I am special, and I will never be one of you! I will never have an Oscar. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• If they want me in a sequel, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• No one looks happy. Is the rule that we have to all sit in here and touch ourselves and frown? #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• #Thekidsareallright I don't subscribe to any part of the model. They brainwashed my friends and my family. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Christian Bale freaking won?? Sorry man. Didn't make the rules. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Jesse Eisenberg looks confused. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I could get nominated one day. There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I'm not Mark Zuckerberg. He was a pussy. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground. #Charliesheenattheoscars


• Almost three hours of this so far. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• I liked #TrueGrit. There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom! That’s the whole movie. #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Melissa Leo. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars
  
  
• Toy Story 3. Winning! #Charliesheenattheoscars