33 Years And 9 Feet Of Colon

It's finally here! That day when, almost 33 years after the death of Elvis Presley, you can learn new and exciting details about his colon! That's right! His colon! Shall we proceed? How 'bout we do so with caution, OK? OK, then.

According to the folks over there at the
NY Daily News, the King's own personal physician, a one Dr. George Nichopoulos (known to many as Dr. Nick and also known as "the guy who would and did prescribe any medication that Elvis ever wanted"), has a new theory about what caused the death of Elvis Presley that fine July morning when he collapsed whilst straining at stool. (You know what? If I'm ever famous and even if I'm not, I'm going to do my damnedest to live a lifestyle that will not ultimately end in my keeling over whilst straining at stool. It's not a very dignified way to go. And it certainly can't be pleasant for the poor soul who happens upon your lifeless carcass in that position.)

Now, if you're wondering why, after 33 years, this guy is suddenly coming out with his new "theory", perhaps it would clear the air a little bit if I mentioned that he has written a book (shocking, I know!) called "The King and Dr. Nick". Catchy. I wonder what it could possibly be about? Oh, that's right. It's all about making money. Isn't that what all of the books like this one are about?

The cause of Elvis's death was said to be influenced by the number of drugs that he was ingesting at the time. (According to Wikipedia (so take it for what it's worth), in regard to what role Dr. Nick had played in Elvis's drug habit, "In the first eight months of 1977 alone, he had [prescribed] more than 10,000 doses of sedatives, amphetamines and narcotics: all in Elvis's name.") Well, the drugs and the massive heart attack that was had whilst the King was on his throne. But if you listen to Dr. Nick, that throne was where Elvis had a lot of problems.

"We weren't sure [of the exact cause of death] so I continued to do some research...I had some doctors call me from different places and different med schools that were doing research on constipation and different problems you can get into with it." Uh-huh. Problems with constipation. OK...so....that is what killed him? Chronic constipation?!

You got it. You want details? Because Dr. Nick will give them to you. He claims that "Elvis' colon was 5 to 6 inches in diameter, nearly twice the size of the average person. It was also 8 to 9 feet long, compared with the normal 4 to 5 feet." Oh, my God. WHAT?!

Five to SIX inches in DIAMETER? Holy crap! (Pun probably intended.) And eight to NINE feet LONG? That hose that comes out of the back of the dryer is only four inches wide and usually about six feet long. You're telling me that Elvis's COLON was wider and longer than a dryer vent hose?! Good Lord, man. That can't be good for anyone! And clearly, it wasn't.

Dr. Nick also says, "We didn't realize until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad...We found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor motility of the bowel." Oh, EWW!! So, he had, like, compacted and fossilized feces going on in there?! How did they know that the stuff was four or five months old?! Is there some sort of carbon dating process for crap?

Look, I'm having a hard time believing any of this. First of all, would it really take 33 years for Dr. Nick to put together this theory? Granted, he doesn't seem like he was the greatest doctor in the world or anything, so that possibility is rather valid, I suppose. But I'm thinking that if Elvis had the equivalent of an elephant intestine growing inside of him, it would have been fairly obvious at the time of the autopsy. I'm guessing that Dr. Nick is pretty darned hard up for cash and needed to come up with something that he thought would sell a lot of books or something in order to make a buck or two. I just wish he could have made up something other than an eight foot colon with four to five months of compacted body waste in it, is all. And seriously, who, exactly, is buying this book to begin with? Who is publishing it? What is wrong with you people?