No Husband Is Not An Emergency

Look, I understand that people get lonely. I understand that you feel bad when your relationship or your marriage or whatever you had going on with someone else doesn't work out. It sucks. We all know it sucks. And the sooner that we replace that person that is missing (whether we threw the loser out or whether the loser ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction), the sooner that it stops sucking (or start sucking, which is better in a couple of instances). While I realize that it may seem like something that is extremely urgent that you want to have happen and that it may feel like an emergency, you're going to have to find that replacement mate in some other fashion other than dialing 911 five times in one hour. Wait. What now?

Correct. Let's meet Audrey Kay Scott, shall we? Behold!

According to Fox8 News Audrey " going through a divorce...She says the last five weeks have been rough. Last week when she moved into a new apartment, Audrey, who friends call Kay, decided to celebrate." Hmm. I'm guessing that if you're getting divorced and having to move into a new apartment, you're not really going to be celebrating quite as much as you are going to be drinking yourself into some sort of stupor.

Kay explains that "I drank too much vodka and I got lonely and sad because all my friends are with my husband now and I have no family." Yes, that would make one lonely and sad to be in that situation. I'm not saying that it would make one pick up the phone and call 911 looking for a new husband, but I am saying that the lonely and sad part is probably legit.

But legit or not, she did call 911. The call went something like this:

Husbandless Caller: "Get me that husband"

Dispatcher: "You need to get a husband?"

Drunken, Husbandless Caller: "Yes."

Dispatcher: "You're calling 911 to get a husband? Do you know you can get arrested for dialing 911?"

Unremorseful, Drunken, Husbandless Caller: "Let's do it."

Dispatcher: "You want to get arrested for dialing 911?"

About To Be Arrested, Unremorseful, Drunken Husbandless Caller: "Absolutely."

Seems to me that, drunk or not, Kay isn't exactly playing with a full deck. She seems to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Afterwards, she explained, "The officer said you cannot abuse the system we have serious things to respond to and this is not one of them and he said you need to learn this lesson, so I went to prison and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world." Oh, how I only wish that reporting these days wasn't so completely craptastic that the reporter would have asked her why she wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. I can think of a whole lot of things that I'd trade three days in jail for. She can't think of a one. Hmmm.

Speaking of craptastic reporting, explain to me what in the world this little tidbit is supposed to mean: "Kay admits she was drinking and says she was looking for her husband, not a love connection." Seriously. What, exactly, does that mean? We know she was looking for a husband. That's the first thing she said. "Get me that husband." It seems fairly clear. Why would we think that she was really looking for a love connection (whatever that is supposed to mean)? Was Chuck Woolery the 911 operator?

Apparently, after appearing in court (having spent those three glorious "wouldn't trade them for anything" days in jail), "The judge ordered her to attend alcoholics anonymous meetings, which she is attending daily." That seems reasonable. Too bad that they don't have any meetings about things that are better than jail. Sounds to me like she could use some of those meetings as well.

But in the end, "Kay says she is sorry she called 911, but says her drunk dial ultimately pushed her toward the straight and narrow." What does that mean? Not the part about being sorry! I know what being sorry means! The part about the straight. And the narrow! I'm not so sure that I consider NOT calling 911 for a husband being on "the straight and narrow". I call that "explaining to a moron what is and isn't OK".